Feeling authentic

As this blog slowly, very slowly, increases, so does the enjoyment of and desire for writing. The subjects I study in college focus a lot on writing, and so subsequently I spend a lot of time planning and writing. But when I write here, for me, it feels different. There are no restrictions, no word count,  no rules. It feels more free. It has turned into a release for me. It dilutes my frustration, eases my tension and solidifies my happiness into words. Things become easier to see, deal with and think about as they are laid out on the page. The words give you the scope to analyse and contemplate whatever has inspired you to write. Much like the “talking cure”, writing is on par with talking to someone. Writing about a topic allows you to really know what you think and what you feel. To vocalize your feelings, you must pause and think about how you will phrase and put into words what you are feeling. It can lead to great self-awareness and knowledge. It can help you establish what is bothering you that day that you are not feeling great, but don’t know why.

Writing down your thoughts, feelings and opinions on situations and topics gives you a sense of relief. What you had been fueling and keeping in all day is released, and poured out onto a page or screen. The page can deal with them now, not you. I find with this blog it, paradoxically, gives me a sense of anonymity. It distances me from my problems. They are now just words on a screen, not things that are troubling me. And though my name is printed at the top of the page, unless someone I know personally know finds me here, writing on the internet is even more powerful than writing in a notebook. Many things I want to write about are personal subjects. Exploring and writing about them on the Internet is thrilling. It requires courage. Putting your own words, feelings and opinions into the vast void that is the Internet, available to anyone and everyone to read and judge is frightening. But my laptop screen acts like a shield. I hide behind my user-name and e-mail, while allowing my words to be subject to judgement by strangers. I do not advertise this blog. If someone finds me here, it is pure accident. I am putting myself out here not in the hopes that I am found, but for myself. The difference between a blog and a notebook is the chance of being found. The chance for my words to be publicly heard. And I like the frightening feeling of that chance.

The more I write, the more I crave it. I find myself wondering what topics I could write about, constantly trying to find links between things and seeing if I could make something intelligent out of feeling hungry. What is the subject of so many poems and poets I encountered in 6th Year, is now the subject of this post. Just as Plath, Bishop and many others struggled to find inspiration before me, I too have encountered this block. Upon feeling tired, stressed or angry, I know that writing something down and poetically exploring my feelings somehow rectifies things. My initial goal for this personal writing project was to link my personal events to more serious topics. But that has proven more difficult than anticipated. Searching for a wider, broader topic which stems back to what has happened in my life seems impossible at times. The desire to clear my head soon over-rides the desire to write in a professional and academic manner. This brings me to the struggle of finding something to write about, so as to not let this blog conform to a diary. I do not want to simply recount significant events and my relative feelings. I want each event to lead to a self-conclusion, something that deepens my understanding of myself, someone or something else. The urge to write now comes from not only feeling anger or frustration, but just to write. To feel my words flow and form something. It is not always easy to find a starting point.

This feeling of frustration because I cannot find something to write about makes me feel closer to my ultimate yet newly discovered goal; to become a writer. Feeling the same struggle that so many writers before me felt, and will feel again, makes me feel authentic, that I am on the right path. Even if my lack of idea and inspiration may make my writing seem redundant. My ideas and writing are not always constant. But this appears to be the territory that must be trespassed in order for your writing to improve. My ideas may be static, but this only means that I am getting closer to what I want. It shows my desire and enjoyment of writing is increasing. And that makes me feel very authentic.

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