There’s one thing I’ve always wanted to say to you- how do you do it? How do you manage to be a better version of myself? You have the same interests, hobbies, career goals as me, yet you’re always that little bit ahead of me. How?
We share many aspects of life, but they seem different in yours. They seem better. They seem more. They make me want what you have, to be like you. You are, in many ways, my aspiration.
As my aspiration, it’s not your fault that you’ve sometimes made my life harder. You probably have no idea that I see you as Future-Me, as opposed to Present-You. You have no clue that because of you, I have questioned my abilities, and found my insecurities. You will probably scroll past this post, not even thinking twice that it could be about you.
But that’s just how you are, and I can’t blame you. You’re just living your life, as I am trying to do too. You didn’t ask me to constantly compare myself against you. You didn’t expect me to see myself and all I lack in you.
In other ways, you are the reason I have achieved all I have so far. You are the motivation I needed to step up and make changes in my life. You are the one who told me, silently, through your actions, that I needed to do something if I want to achieve. You taught me that it’s okay to take those actions, and that they pay off. You taught me it’s not weak to chase a dream. You showed me it’s possible to do it.
Constantly lagging behind you made me stronger. Over time, it taught me that my abilities are not secondary, just because I am not where you are. It forced me to really look at myself and what I can do, and to see the value in myself. There were times when I could barely interact with you, because all I could see was what I wasn’t. But through that, I found the strength to believe in my abilities, and I am more confident in them now. It made me see that I am not inferior because we have achieved different things. It helped me see who I am.
It’s also equally possible you don’t even exist. Maybe you’re just simply a girl, living your life, and I’m just an insecure girl who gets validation from comparison. Or maybe you’re a mixture of the successful female figures in my life. Maybe I am just projecting my insecurities onto you, using you as the scale against which I rate myself.
Either way, you have provided me with the necessary competition and drive to succeed. Over time, living side-by-side to you, taught me not to compare, but rather not to care.
So, I suppose I want to commend you, rather than thank you. I am envious of not only your life, but your apparent nonchalance at your consistent success. I am envious that you do not know how big of an effect you have on me. (Who knows, maybe you have your own girl yourself … Maybe she’s me.)
But I want to commend you on inadvertently pushing me to better myself. Not to beat you, necessarily, but to achieve what I wanted. You showed me that it was possible. We are similar in so many ways, and when you achieve or reach a milestone I am inches away from, you give me the confidence to believe, and show me that I can do it too.
I wonder will I ever stop thinking of you as the better version of myself. Perhaps I will always see what you have as what I want, rather than what you have achieved. But after years of having this relationship with you, I can honestly say that it won’t make much of a difference. I’m glad I have someone like you in my life, to give me the kick I need to get up off my ass and pursue something. You give me the right amount of competition, and I’m grateful.
So I thank you, and I commend you. Because you give me the drive to keep going.