My brain and I have had a tough time lately. I’m a worrier at the best of times, so when something goes wrong, or rather when I think something has gone wrong, my brain and my worrying skills come out to play and go into overdrive. And it’s so very shit.
I have this amazing ability to turn one small thing into something huge. Now, whether that thing is true or untrue, either way it is getting blown up until I can’t see what is actually in front of my eyes anymore.
My vision becomes so clouded with worry and anxiety, and I become consumed by this thought, fear, worry.
I become accustomed to the nagging feeling in my stomach. I get used to feeling slightly sick, unable to eat. I forget that I used to think about other things.
I have one worry, one bad thought that probably means nothing, but it acts as a spring board and I fling myself miles away from reality and find myself face to face with worst possible outcome. But of course, that worst possible outcome isn’t reality. It might become reality, it may come true – one day. But it’s not reality right now.
And I forget that. I forget to actually look at what is going on around me, where I am and how it makes me feel. I instead constantly look for signs that what I fear is true. I search so hard that I end up convincing myself they’re there.
I get so caught up that it’s hard for me to come back down. But I have this time, at least I think I have.
So why don’t I feel better? Why, at the realisation I no longer have that feeling in my stomach, said feeling returns because I’m actually … not worrying?
My brain has been in overdrive the past little while that to find itself in this silence, with no real cause to worry, it doesn’t know what to do. It begins to worry because I’m not worrying. It wants to go back to its natural state.
At least this time I know this worry and fear is meaningless. It’s strange to have a silence in my brain, with no thought at the back trying to inch its way to the front.
This is what I wanted, what I hoped and yearned for all this time.
But I don’t know how to deal with it. I can’t remember what it was like to not have something to worry or obsess over.
I guess it will just take some getting used to.
The silence is frightening, when it should be comforting. It’s uncomfortable, when it should be peaceful. It worries me, when it should calm me.
I need to understand and appreciate that this silence is here because I have overcome what I spent so long aching over. I need to remember to welcome it, and let go of worrying. At least for this little while.
I need to learn to love the silence.