Classic Clodagh. Make big changes to your blog, write a whole post about all these ideas and plans you have for it, and then disappear.
I wasn’t lying. I had, and well, have, plans for my blog. I do. I know exactly what I want to do and what I need to do to them, but … I just haven’t. Yet. I want to apologise for my absence here (not that anybody has really noticed, I’m sure), but when I think about my blog, I feel guilty.
Before my college exams started, all I wanted to do was write. I was counting down the days until I could write, without feeling guilty about not studying. Now? I have all the time in the world, and writing and blogging are the last things on my mind.
I never thought I would ever say this because I’m one of the laziest people I know, but, I think I have too much time. This is the first summer where I’ve felt … bored. Last summer I had an internship that I enjoyed so much and looked forward to going to work everyday. This summer, I’m unemployed. Which means that I’m free all the time, and staying at home all the time. It means that while I am always asking people to go out do things, I have one eye on my bank account because I have no money coming in. It means that I’m stuck at home everyday, slowly suffocating. It means that I’m on another Netflix episode while other people are in work or on holiday.
I used to love lounging around the house all day. That was my dream; to stay at home all day everyday. I could think of nothing better. I used to thoroughly enjoy my time at home by myself. I was happy just pottering around my house, in my own little world. This is not the case anymore. I hate it.
I feel like I’ve lost my mojo. Some days getting dressed doesn’t even cross my mind, because what’s the point? I’ve nothing to do. I sleep in late because why get up early? (Besides having more time to watch Netflix).
But that’s where I’m wrong. I know there is a point in getting up, and getting dressed. I have things to do. I have books to read, articles I need to write and blog posts I want to publish. Yet I can’t seem to bring myself to do it. I’ve tried at least 3 times to write a blog post, and it felt so forced. I couldn’t get the words to say what I wanted to say. It feels like I don’t care anymore.
And I want to care again.I want to be writing and blogging and planning my ideas. A month of this staying at home lark has turned me into mush, if I’m being honest. Everything feels like too much effort. I measure the extent of my abilities now in how much Netflix I can watch in one day (too much, I don’t even want to tell you). I need to find my mojo again. If anyone finds it, please return it to me. I will welcome it with open arms.
So if there is anyone out there who does care and enjoys my writing, please bear with me. I really hope to be back up and running again. I do have things I want to say, posts I want to write, I promise. I can’t seem to get them out just yet, but hopefully I will soon. In the mean time, the search for my motivation continues.