… But it’s where I am.

Rather than send out a string vaguely sad seeming Tweets, I thought I’d document this particular evening of melancholy here, on my blog. This post, in length and content, will be significantly lower than others #sorrynotsorry. Tonight I realised that where I am right now, here in France, is not where I’m supposed to be. But it’s where I am.

If I’m being totally honest with myself, the idea of quitting has crossed my mind as my Christmas holidays came to an end. Maybe my 8 AM flight had something to do with that, but I think it’s more than that. I’ve seen a few posts on the various TApIF Facebook groups about the quitting process, and I thought, I’m not alone. Other people must be bowing out early, maybe I can too.

I came back on Monday. It’s Friday evening, and I feel no better than when I first arrived back. I feel worse. My Christmas holidays were filled with friends, family and wine. I didn’t have time to think about coming back or process how I might be feeling about that. Then I got back to my apartment, the room I spend the majority of my time in here, and thought, fuck. I’m here again. I did not want to be.

I have a fair idea of how my life will turn out, or rather, how I would like it turn out. It does not involve French. I don’t want to take my French any further. Yeah, the idea of being fluent in a language is nice but obviously not tempting enough for me to actually to try become fluent. If I end up teaching, it will not be teaching a foreign language. I have years of teaching experience that tells me that I do like teaching, but not teaching people who don’t speak my language. That’s a whole different ballgam. My degree requires me to spend at least three months abroad. *looks at calendar* I’ve done that. Technically, there’s nothing to say that I can’t just quit right now, and head on the next flight home.

I won’t, of course. And I don’t really know why. I am not supposed to be here. Maybe further, and I mean reaaaally further down the line, I will see how this time will benefit me. But right now, it seems a bit like a waste of a few months. Instantly typing that I feel ashamed that I said that about having the opportunity to live and work abroad. I know how lucky I am to be here, but that doesn’t mean it’s not hard. That doesn’t mean that I will love the experience. It doesn’t mean that it’s for me. 

So right now, I’m not feeling great. My boyfriend tells me to go out and do things, go to the gym, meet up with my friend, and get out of my room. But it’s hard to find the motivation to do that when you just don’t want to be here in the first place. And I know it’s a viscous circle, that staying inside will only make it worse. It probably has, too. 

Also, my laptop died. I’m still in mourning. 

The contrast between this post and my last one is laughable. My last post was about looking beyond yourself, and I can’t see anything beyond myself, because I’m too down to leave my damn room. This, is not where I should be. It’s not where I want be.

But it’s where I am.

Feminism Fridays: Why Are Boobs So Sexy?

I’m hoping to build the content and consistency on my blog, and so I’m going to try introduce a weekly post, about feminism. They say write what you’re passionate about, so here goes… Welcome to the first of (hopefully) many Feminism Fridays!

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Security Blanket With No Questions Asked

Growing up in a non-secular country like Ireland, religion was something you grew up with, no matter your own personal beliefs. I went to a Protestant primary school as a Catholic, and I was met with a double-whammy of religion lessons, as I had to stay back once a week to complete the necessary learning and lessons from a religion teacher in the neighbouring Catholic school that qualified me to put on a mini wedding dress and eat some dry wafer. Continue reading “Security Blanket With No Questions Asked”

An Open Letter To The Girls In The Office

To the girls in the office,

The past six weeks I have sat beside you two, dancing and farting away as I write list after list. The past six weeks we have spent more time together than I have done with my other friends this summer, or even this year. Continue reading “An Open Letter To The Girls In The Office”

It’s a Two Way Street

Relationships, like most things, require work. If you are one of the very few lucky ones, you coast through your relationships with ease, never having a problem. However, that is not the case for most people. Both parties are required to make an effort to keep it alive. It is not fair to place the burden on one person, for them to be constantly reaching out in the hopes the other person will still be there. It becomes tiring for that person. It becomes a burden for them. Continue reading “It’s a Two Way Street”

How You Know You Have Met Your Soul Mate in BFF Form

Ah, the one. We spend our lives searching for them. Someone with the face of Ryan Reynolds, and the heart of Brad Pitt. Someone to come home to and enjoy pizza with. Magazines and websites dedicate their lives to showing you the way to finding them, how to look for them, how to attract that special someone. Continue reading “How You Know You Have Met Your Soul Mate in BFF Form”

6 Things No One Warns You About Going to College

So you’ve managed to survive the hell that was the Leaving Cert., and scraped the bare minimum points achieved your dream 625 points for your second first choice. Know what that means? You’re going to college! And while you may have some expectations of what life will bring you for the next three to four years, from the countless films like American Pie and High School Musical, to your parents and teachers giving you never-ending lectures about how things will change next year, there are some things that no one warns you about when preparing you for your new life ahead of you. However, these have been kindly compiled into a list by yours truly, so you will be a much smarter First Year than I was. Continue reading “6 Things No One Warns You About Going to College”

Engage Your Core

Having taken dance classes for almost 14 years now, I have learned, unfortunately, very few things. The extent of my knowledge is very small. You should never dance with your back to the audience. Always turn out your feet. When in doubt, opposite arm, opposite leg. Never dance without stretching. The second day is always worse after a workout. You should use your core to balance.

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Every time should be like the first time

Firsts are a unique thing. The first time you do something, no matter what,  it will always be unlike any other time. It may be scarier, lonelier or more exciting than the other times. Your first day of school is surely a thousand times different than your 100th day. Your first disco is an experience so surreal still in your memory that you will never forget the sweaty boys. Your first kiss will remain ingrained in your memory forever. They are incomparable to other times, because they are a different experience altogether. Continue reading “Every time should be like the first time”